Ah, September!!  Time for a few verses from my favorite autumn poem by Helen Hunt Jackson*.  I hope you enjoy its annual appearance too.

The golden rod is yellow, the corn is turning brown; the trees in apple orchards, with fruit are bending down. The gentian’s bluest fringes are curling in the sun; in dusty pods, the milkweed its hidden silk has spun. The sedges flaunt their harvest in every meadow nook, and asters by the brookside make asters in the brook.  From dewy lanes at morning the grapes’ sweet odors rise; At noon the roads all flutter with yellow butterflies. Be all these lovely tokens September days are here with summers best of weather and autumn’s best of cheer……..”

“Dum-dum-ta-Dum!  Dum-Dum-Ta-Dum**……. Also in September, sixty years ago today, Kerm and I were married in a candle-lit service at the Victor Presbyterian Church. My created-by-me dress had a 3-foot train (kept flowing gracefully by sewing pennies in the hem), and I had invented a way to bustle the train after the ceremony so that I could walk around without sweeping the floor with a satin “broom.”  Our simple reception was in the church social area, and finger-food was provided by the church ladies. Our wedding cake was made by a friend; three graduated tiers with roses all around. I remember a lot of questions about where my train went; there was much laughter, and chatting as we moved around the room.

Afterward, we had the quite unplanned, but exciting (not to mention, raucous!) adventure, of escaping an enthusiastic troupe of followers.  We were using a get-away car*** not our own, that had a reluctant engine, apparently not accustomed to high speeds.  Eventually, we lost the followers (they were too “frugal” to follow us onto a toll road), got off at the next exit, retrieved our own car --- safely parked in my brother’s corn field---- and were on our way to Lake George and points north and east.  With the wedding itself on our minds, and packing for a move to Maryland, I am quite sure that neither of us gave much thought to what 60 years together might be like.   We were young, our whole future before us.  Sixty years--- when we’d be OLD --- never crossed our minds.

There were only two divorces in the generation of family prior to mine (two of my maternal aunts) and no one talked about them. Our boys had never heard of divorce until we watched “The Parent Trap.”  Now, divorce is a ready solution for impatience, poor choices and restlessness. I can’t remember the exact statistic, but a distressingly large percentage of kids in our current school district, come from single-parent homes. It is not that I think divorce is always wrong.  Sometimes people have such conflicting life views and goals that separating is the only solution.  And no one should endure abuse of any kind; when that happens, one should leave the abusing narcissist.  But I really think that too often, people don’t give their relationship a fair chance.  They may feel unhappy about each other, maybe someone else looks more attractive, perhaps things just aren’t working out well (“I deserve more!”) ----- and divorce is so handy and so acceptable.  However, being so reluctant about getting help for marital difficulties does annoy and puzzle me.   Why wouldn’t smart people try to mend things? Lack of communication and misunderstandings are problems that sometimes needs a mediator.  If two people loved each other enough to marry, at least trying to retrieve that love is surely worth the effort, unless, as I mentioned, abuse or totally different life views are involved.

If people expect a smooth and effortless road through marriage, they are delusional.  Even the best marriage is not all bliss or one continuous honeymoon.  Love is not only an emotion; love is a choice!  We can choose to behave in loving ways that will build love --- or not.   We can allow chips to super-size on our shoulders, making no effort to pare them away.  Or we can choose to address irritants before they loom so large. Love and marriage are life-long learning experiences; they are probably supposed to be.   If enough effort, by both partners, is put into keeping a relationship viable, each individual grows, matures and becomes a better person.  A working sense of humor surely helps!

Consider food likes and dislikes. Kerm’s mother, and my mother cooked differently, so we each grew up with some difference in our food expectations. In our first few months of marriage, I made a casserole from a new recipe. Kerm refused to eat it!   What was that green stuff in there??? It may, possibly, have looked a bit alien; as I remember it was a combination of rice, cheese, spinach, and I’m not sure what else. But only a few years later, he would at least try almost anything, even if there were suspicious-looking ingredients peeking out.  When he took me to meet his parents, he also scheduled in a dairy-judging show; not at all my usual venue for a date.  But I learned to enjoy watching the skill it took to convince a cow to walk calmly and pose prettily and have attended many cattle shows since.  When Kerm was in grad school, he took a horticulture course on trees.  Because there was much to memorize, he convinced me that I should help him drill ---- and now his trees are taking up space in my head, probably a good thing.  Over the years, constant exposure to music, and coercing him to sing along, have put a wider range of music into his head, also probably a good thing.   At our first auction, I bid on what I thought were a couple of crocks. When Kerm went up to retrieve them, we found that I had bought 13 crocks of the same gallon size.   We gave crocks full of cookies away as gifts for several years.  And we laughed!

Not everything inspires humor. We’ve had spats, have gone off in huffy snits, and have hurt each other’s feelings.  I can’t say that we always obeyed the Biblical admonition to never go to bed angry, but we did manage to solve the problems, forgive the hurts, or decide that ten years from then, whatever it was, wouldn’t be important.  On the up-side, we agreed about basic line items; the importance of our faith, how we wanted to raise our children and our political leanings.  Neither of us cared much about wealth, social prominence or traveling the world.  Agreement in life expectations is crucial, I think.  Marriage is made up of highs and lows, of amazing times and awful times, exciting events and routine days, ordinary living and frightening episodes.  But for those who actively cultivate awareness, and kindness, life can be incredibly beautiful.

Now that we have somehow stumbled into our eighties, we have new arenas of discussion; down-sizing -- what we want from these last ten or fifteen years of life here on earth, how we wish to live as our capabilities diminish.  It is never easy to sort things out, talk about them, and come to an agreement, but I figure if we could live through four teenage boys and their friends, two human services jobs, serving on the S-VE and BOCES Boards of Education, and all the other turmoil and choices that life brings, we can probably figure these things out too.  It is important to talk – to express feelings --- and to listen well.  There was a post, the source of which I’m not sure, but it is quite true.  “Relationships don’t last because of the good times (though those are important).  They last because the hard times were handled with love and care.”****

Speaking of love and care, we’ve seen many examples of this in our families, among our friends, and in our communities.  If I miss a Sunday at church, someone calls to see if I’m OK.  Now that I can no longer drive due to vision loss, three friends besides my husband, have offered to take me where I need to go.  On a community level, neighbors keep track of one another --- not so closely as to be an irritant, but kindly, to know if there is a need.   A couple of weeks ago, because I was sort of grumbling that we hadn’t used our fire pit for nearly 2 summers, one of our daughters-in-law, son and granddaughter made a special effort to bring S’more ingredients and to start a campfire.  It was a beautiful, starry night with a full “blue” moon and we truly enjoyed the experience of sitting around the fire.    Of course, our surrounding wildlife creatures were probably muttering “WHEN will these humans go to bed so we can get a snack.” But they politely (and kindly?) kept their distance.  Kindness and awareness make a difference everywhere; living in community, happiness at work, and certainly in marriage and family.   Taking each other for granted is a pitfall we should recognize and avoid.

For the rest of September, I am also looking forward to all the fun times, just enjoying them. I’m hoping we can make some good decisions for our future.  I’m thinking, too of the seasonal changes; of ripe apples, of purple asters and potted chrysanthemums, of canning tomatoes, and keeping a watchful eye out for our first frost. Since the days are observably shorter, I will pay more attention to enjoying my flowers and to soaking in the sunshine.  The golden days of September are unrolling for our enjoyment; let’s not let them fly by unnoticed.

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Carol writes from her home in Spencer. She may be reached at: carol42wilde@htva.net.

*Helen Hunt Jackson –American poet and writer.  1830-1885

**This is Mendelssohn’s Wedding March --- in case you aren’t good at putting music to “Dum-Ta-Dums”.

***My apologies to Jim, whose car I have described here.  We appreciated the generous loan, but……that engine surely didn’t have many horses beneath that hood!  😊

**** A post seen on FB ---- no source.