Bitcoins are the latest trendy investment opportunity, thanks to viral stories about people becoming overnight Bitcoin millionaires.

Bitcoins are one of more than 1,500 cryptocurrencies on the market, with names like Dogecoin, Solana and Ethereum (which sounds like a radioactive element used to make A-bombs or it’s a part of the human body.)

You’re probably wondering if you should get in on this speculative mania and invest in cryptocurrency. Well wonder no more. I will explain cryptocurrency in a Q&A format:

Q: Just what the hell is a Bitcoin, anyway?

A: There’s no need to swear. This is a family column. To answer your question, no one really knows for sure. It’s a virtual currency that is generated by computers (called “mining”), doesn’t exist in a physical form and isn’t backed by a government, bank or individual. It’s a mathematically expressed entity, like Pi, and is not a coin that you hold in your hand.

Q: WTF? Then how does it have value? I sure could go for a piece of pie right about now. Apple is my favorite.

A: It’s not that kind of pie, muttonhead. A Bitcoin has value because people say it does, like baseball cards, Beanie Babies and non-fungible tokens, or NFTs. (It’s fun to say “non-fungible.” Go ahead. Try it). BTW, don’t think that I don’t see that you are swearing in initials. Knock it off.

Q: Dude. Take a nerve pill and chill. I’ll stop cussing, I promise. Just answer my question. Why is it called “Bitcoin?”

A: Because Bitcoin exists in virtual reality, it’s a perplexingly, confusing and nebulous entity. It was initially hated by the public, and was going to be called “shitcoin,” but the PR people said it would be best to shorten it to “Bitcoin.”

Q: I hear that Bitcoins can’t be traced back to their owners and are frequently used to buy drugs and other contraband.

A: That is correct. Are you thinking about online drug dealing?

Q: What? Are you, a cop?

A: No, but I don’t want my column to encourage illegal behavior. I advise you not to engage in any illegal online activities.

Q: I didn’t ask for your advice, now did I, poopy head? (That’s not swearing).  How are the coins ‘mined,’ and have any of the mines ever caved in?

A: OMG! You’re dumb! The coins are not mined, like gold and silver, you imbecile. Mined is a term used to describe the process of using powerful computer networks and advanced software to solve mathematical problems to create the coins.

Q: I’m not dumb. I’m uninformed, but not dumb. So, chill out with the constant dissin.’ Are you talking about math problems like “if a train leaves Chicago going 65 mph and another train leaves NYC going 65 mph on the same tracks, how long will it take before they collide, and is that why no one rides trains anymore?”

A: OMG No! We’re talking complicated algorithms and intricate mathematical equations. I have a question for you: when will the van be arriving to take you back to the home?

Q: That’s real funny. Haven’t heard that since fourth grade, old man. What the h-e-double-hockey-sticks are algorithms?”

A: Again, with the weakly veiled cussing? If you don’t quit it, we’re going to end this column right now. Do you understand? Meantime, why don’t you Google it instead of making me do all the work.

Q: I Goggled it, and it said mining involves “validating cryptocurrency transactions on a blockchain and adding them to a distributed ledger, thereby preventing the double-spending of digital currency on a distributed network.”

A: There. You have your answer, but I doubt you understand all those big words. People like you really cinch up my BVDs. You’re so quick to go to a “frequently asked questions” format instead of looking up the answers yourself. Jerk!

Q: Whatever dude. Get a life. Listen, I need to know if bitcoins are like real coins. Can I hold them in my hands?

A: No numbnuts, they’re not. I answered that question several paragraphs ago. Do me a favor and put the bong down until we’re done. Jackass.

Q (coughing heavily): Oh-oh! You swore. I’m tellin.’ And how do you know the condition of my nuts? Perv! Tell me, are Bitcoins a good investment?

A: For your information, “Jackass” isn’t swearing. I’ll answer your “gotta be kidding me” question with a question: Do you think it’s prudent to invest in a commodity that you can’t see or touch, isn’t backed up by a government or bank, isn’t accepted by businesses and industries, is used by drug dealers, and no one understands how it works, where it comes from or where it’s stored?

Q: Why do you have to be such a jerk? I get the picture. I don’t need some dipshit, two-bit writer, explaining it to me, okay shithead?

A: That’s it! I warned you. I’m done! Outta here!

Q (to you readers): Do you think he’s really gone or is still listening in to hear what we say behind his back? If he is, hear this, you pompous prick: You think you’re some hot-shot writer, well you’re not. My third-grade daughter can write better than you and probably color better than you, too. So, I say good-bye. Good night. Good riddance.

A: F—k you!

Q: I told you he was eavesdropping. LOL!

Jim Pfiffer’s humor column is posted every Sunday on the Jim Pfiffer Facebook page, Hidden Landmarks TV Facebook page and TwinTiersLiving.com. Jim lives in Elmira with his wife, Shelley, and many pets and is a retired humor columnist with the Elmira Star-Gazette newspaper. Contact him at pfifman@gmail.com.