It’s interesting how our changing culture dictates what body part is the sexually attractive appendage de jour, from implanted breasts and collagen-filled Donald Duck lips to six-pack abs, protruding pecs and thigh masters.

There is one body part, shared by both genders, which has always been a sex symbol: the two large fleshy halves of the posterior known as the buttocks. Fashion culture decided that it’s time for Americans to shake their booties and enlarge them with cosmetic surgery called a “Brazilian Butt Lift,” or BBL.

Here’s how it works: A plastic surgeon uses liposuction to suck excess fat from the patient’s hips, abdomen and lower back and injects it into their butt. WTF?

(FYI: “Lipo” is Latin, meaning “ridiculous misuse of a Dyson,” and “suc” is Latin for “WTF?”).

Ridiculous and dangerous medical procedures have never stopped Americans from partaking in the latest body marring trend. That’s why the BBL is the fastest-growing cosmetic surgery in the world.

It’s also environmentally friendly because the fat is being recycled, and it has turned the phrase, “fat ass,” into a compliment.

According to an article in the U.S. Sun tabloid (motto: “We don’t let facts get in the way of our reporting.”) bum size depends on how we’re doing financially.

“When there’s financial stability women tend to be happy with themselves and it shows in the shape of their bottoms, which are generally flat and square,” reads the article. “When we fall on hard times — for example during recessions — women tend to focus on balance and symmetry, which means a full, round butt is desirable.”

Monitoring derriere sizes may be a clever way to predict the stock market. Buy small. Sell large.

It’s no surprise that the BBL was invented by those wild and crazy fashion-lovin’ Brazilians. I guess they figured that after giving us the “Brazilian Wax,” a painful process that rips away body parts, they felt obliged to introduce another trend that adds body mass.

Titanic behinds have been hip since the 1980s, popularized by songs like “Bootylicious,” by Destiny’s Child; “My Humps,” by The Black-Eyed Peas and “My Big Bootie Got a Backup Alarm,” by Pfif Daddy and the Rumpsters. (I made up that last song, but I think it would be a hit.)

Our gluteus maximus are the largest muscles in the body. That’s why I’ve seen people whose keisters are so large they don’t need a butt lift. They need a forklift.

I’m talking about booties so big that they have their own sovereignty. I’ve seen bodacious butts so big that they form a ledge off the side of each hip, where you can easily set a can of beer, cell phone or a Mini Cooper (with turbo).

There are plenty of people with enough excess body fat that it could be used to make a whole other person, or two. Call it lipocloning.

I’ve seen colossal behinds do some serious swaying, bouncing and jiggling. They could use a lift. But the BBL doesn’t actually lift the butt, it shapes it to the butt owner’s specs.

There is one segment of the population that could use BBL. I’m referring to guys who have absolutely no butts. Their backsides are a flat plane from waist to thighs. Truth: Science calls it “dormant butt syndrome” or DBS.

Plastic surgery is expensive and rarely covered by health insurance. That’s why we should start a nonprofit butt fat repository where individuals could donate their extra fat to those in need, much like blood drives. Something to think about.

(FYI: You can get a do-it-yourself BBL by eating a lot of BLTs).

I think it’s unnatural and unhealthy to move body tissue around willy-nilly.

What’s next, moving entire body parts?

Will doctors in the future be able to transplant your junk in the trunk to your shoulders, creating an actual butthead? (Ha! That’s a good one! Sometimes I make myself laugh.)

Listen, I have nothing against curvy and voluptuous buns, when the goal is to achieve tight and symmetrical C-shaped Jay-Lo behinds.

But when you romp the rump and that C grows to the size of a municipal parking garage, I get concerned, cuz big booties are unwieldy and can cause a lot of collateral damage. If the caboose owners aren’t careful and are unaware of their surroundings, they knock things over and break them.

I once saw an intoxicated and dangerously derriered booty poppin’ man take a stumble and tumble. Fortunately, he landed on a chair to break his fall.

Unfortunately, there was a poodle sitting on the chair.

It took doctors and veterinarians several hours to safely remove the poor pooch from the man’s cheeks crack. The poodle was shaken up, but uninjured.

In addition to lookin’ all Kim Kardashian, there are several advantages to high end hind ends:

·      Great for sitting on your hands and the hands of nearby people to warm them up.

·      Built-in cushion for sitting on hard chairs, bleachers and pews.

·      Your hams continue shaking and baking hours after you stopped twerking.

·      Great for crushing cardboard boxes, cans and enemies.

·      Ability to leave people with lasting images when you exit a room.

·      More square footage for people to kiss it.

·      Gives you more ass to kick.

Most trendy body augmentations are for women. Eventually we ‘ll see a male-only body enhancement. I bet I know what it will be called:

Brazil Nuts.

Jim Pfiffer’s humor column is posted every Sunday on the Jim Pfiffer Facebook page, Hidden Landmarks TV Facebook page and TwinTiersLiving.com. Jim lives in Elmira with his wife, Shelley, and many pets and is a retired humor columnist with the Elmira Star-Gazette newspaper. Contact him at pfifman@gmail.com.