What is love?  We say “I love you!” to our family and friends … but we also say we love a book, a movie, a car, a new outfit, our pets.  Is love found in endless glowing words of romantic emotion or selfless acts to please another?  What makes love tick?  It’s the minutes between the anniversaries that make the memories special.  Writing for our 44^th anniversary in 2018, I thought this poem and reflection would be fitting for Valentine’s Day this Friday.

My husband used to write me special letters to express his deepest feelings.  Not able to buy cards unless someone took him to the store, many were the times he listened repeatedly to a specific song on record, tape or CD and painstakingly wrote it out, phrase by phrase... just to express what was in his heart.  That effort on his part meant more to me than the world’s most beautiful romantic manufactured card.

He also showed his love in a myriad of ways… like willingly helping with our babies after he came in from 14-16 hour days of farm chores just because he wanted to.  He learned to diaper them, lovingly rocked and burped our little ones, and even read bedtime stories to them before his own dinner.  Seeing my big 6’7” guy hold our tiny babies in his calloused farm-worn hands clearly evoked an image of tender love.  He was committed to his family, always there for me and our children, helping guide them as they grew, or enveloping us in his arms when we needed a warm snuggle.  He helped with household chores despite vision and physical limitations – just because it was his way of showing love... trying to ease the load I carried after working a full shift, taking him to medical appointments, and handling more and more of what he could no longer do.

Years ago, I attended an annual women’s faith retreat.  In one of the classes, we were asked to share how we express love to our spouse in a unique way as the leader wrote 10 ways on the board.  A few said they’d write “I love you” with shaving cream on the bathroom mirror or add a special note when packing lunch for their husband, etc.  My simply saying “I love you” to my husband was laughed at when shared with the woman next to me, a pastor’s wife.  I felt so humiliated.  What I wanted to explain (and should have said but was afraid to) was that my husband was blind and my saying those three simple words had always been special to him, and that everyone’s examples were only good for those with vision.  Baking scrumptious meals and desserts, and not treating him as incapable of doing things just because he was blind, seeking his advice when I had a problem, or even waiting for him to ask for help before offering or giving my assistance… these also showed my love in tangible ways that he appreciated.

My husband meant what he said.  His words were not empty, hollow flattery.  When he said something, listen close because there was a depth of truth and wisdom from his innate ability to understand life and how people operate.  He was a man of few words.  I used to wish he’d talk more, like me!  But I came to understand and appreciate the meaning behind his few words chosen well, his sense of humor, his devotion to me and his family, his strong faith in God in the midst of blindness and multiple health issues, and his ability to share Godly wisdom. 

Giving flowers was never his thing, though I tend to long for beautiful bouquets. On the other hand, he knew the value of our hard-earned dollars.  He didn’t frivolously throw it away on something that would be tossed aside in just a few days… like flowers.  He preferred to spend his money on something to be enjoyed long term.  And I admired him for that.

As a widow, I treasure my husband who respected me and appreciated all that I did.  Maybe he didn’t tell me every day; but, when he did, it was worth the wait to hear those words because he meant them.  It was a hard life for him, yet he didn’t feel sorry for himself.  Being legally blind since he was a premature infant, and though he could drive a tractor on the farm or along the roadside, he could not hop in the car or truck and go whenever and wherever he wanted.  He was stuck at home, unless someone drove him to his destination.  How frustrating that was for him at times!  I appreciated his attitude of acceptance as, in his later years, totally blind and with health issues that limited his mobility, he accepted the path God allowed his life to take.  He was able to express wisdom and insight we both would not have understood had we not gone through these various difficulties. 

My husband loved me despite the immaturity I came into our marriage with at 19.  He loved me enough to help me grow, to become the best wife and mother I could be, and to use the hidden talents God blessed me with in ways I could never have imagined.  In turn, I loved him for being there for me, listening and talking through issues we faced.  He’d been gifted with a sense of humor that cropped up when needed most.  I loved working by his side in the past in the barn, doing yard work, or in the house.  He used to tease me, saying I followed him around like a shadow in the barn, and when he’d stop short to take care of something, I’d “crash” into him and we’d burst into laughter with hugs!  I miss those times working closely together… a lot. 

Yet, no marriage is perfect.  We had our share of problems and arguments when our wants got the upper hand.  But we made it work and kept our vows to each other rather than running away when times got tough.  Love comes in admitting our wrongs, asking forgiveness, and understanding the unique and different strengths we each bring as gifts to be shared for personal growth.  In contemplating love, the depth of a heart is revealed in the willing ability to stand by a loved one no matter the cost, except in the case of abuse. Yet, even then, if the abuser is willing to admit their wrongs and truly change from within, the path of regeneration, or reconciliation, is well worth the effort.  But, if the abuser refuses to see or admit their wrongs, and perpetuates such behavior, even if others may not see it, then it’s time to walk away for one’s physical and/or emotional preservation, whether in a marriage or a friendship.  Love is not about what someone else can give you; it’s all about what you can give the other, in building them up, without looking for praise.  And in that, I’m reminded of Jesus’ words, words rephrased in our marriage vows, that “greater love has no one than this: to lay down one's life for one's friends.”  (John 15:13) 

Though I may not have been married to the most romantic guy in the world, God truly blessed me with Ed’s love and practicality.  Perhaps the complement to my emotional heart and creativity, he brought a balance to keep me grounded and contented, sharing laughter with his great sense of humor that helped bring many smiles to our faces.  He had an innate ability to understand people… like the depths of my heart, our children’s needs as they grew up, sharing wise words when they came to him with problems, or taking seriously his former role as a church Elder/Deacon… knowing how to balance his role as leader of our family with the Lord as guide.

We were far from perfect, but it’s knowing how to pick our battles, and how to pick ourselves up again in the storm, with “promises to keep and miles to go” to quote another poet.*  Therein lies the secret of true love as we seek the wisdom of God above… letting His love permeate our hearts and souls to become a better person.  Because I firmly believe God put us together, allowing us to face various difficult trials to draw us closer to Him as we grow in faith and love.  And, if Christ loved each of us so much that He willingly lay down His life for us, for our sins, then we can surely share that love with others around us.

For as Colossians 3:12-14 reminds us, we are to “…clothe ourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.  Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone.  Forgive as the Lord forgave you.  And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.”  This is the love I saw in my husband. 

This is Love

Linda A. Roorda

This is love

beyond a feeling

in the depths of the heart

a commitment to keep.

~

This is love

exhilarating joy

that flows through the soul

with a gentle tenderness.

~

This is love

in the place of self

a sacrificial gift

bringing joy to another.

~

This is love

a blending of hearts

to become as one

in sharing life’s journey.

~

This is love

a tear that is shared

the hand tenderly held

the comfort in silence felt.

~

This is love

a listening ear

with honest confession

as mercy and grace pour out.

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This is love

to take life’s pain

and wash it away

in selfless gifts with joy.

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This is love

that One above

would give His life

to show us the path of love.

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