Watching snow come down Wednesday afternoon, it resembled slushy raindrops that evolved into large flat white flakes that turned into a beautiful white covering Friday morning… and it reminded me of an old familiar hymn from childhood. “Lord Jesus, I long to be perfectly whole; I want Thee forever to live in my soul; break down every idol, cast out every foe; now wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow. Whiter than snow, yes, whiter than snow, now wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow.” (Psalm 51:7 and Isaiah 1:18) Which in turn reminded me of this blog from 2017.

 

But it’s that time again… a time when we tend to make New Year’s resolutions! Every year, many of us contemplate where we’ve been and where we’re going, and what to do about it. We make our New Year’s resolutions with every best intention; but all too often, the determination fades when enthusiasm wanes. As we head into a future of unknowns, we like to exchange some of our old habits for the new, whether they be the simple mundane issues of life or more serious life-changing alterations. Yet, there’s one resolution that’s always in vogue.

 

Not in the habit of making an annual list, I’ve been confronted in my soul over the years with seeking and extending forgiveness. Pressing on my heart were ways I had offended others. Regretting foolish words said in younger days, I set about attempting to make amends with heart-felt apologies. Though apprehensive at how my messages would be perceived, writing them brought tears in admitting my wrongs, with relief for doing the right thing by apologizing. And then came joy and gratitude with the blessing of generous forgiving responses.

 

We’ve all been hurt and wounded by the words or actions of others. We can be so hard on each other in this world, intentionally or not. Once we’ve been hurt, it doesn’t take much to be wounded even deeper. And we hold onto those grudges. Been there… coming from a dysfunctional family, it’s a difficult thing to admit. Writing a poem for my Dad, removing all traces of negativity by wording it in positives, we were especially close with forgiving hearts during his last years. Forgiving my mother and making her a quilt after her stroke brought us a closeness we’d not had before. I even heard my parents echo my “I love you” at every encounter, words I’d not heard while growing up.

 

In the long run, grudges don’t do anyone any good… including, and especially us. They erode our joy from the inside. They take away our ability to see the blessings in someone else’s life. Sometimes we want revenge because of the pain we’ve allowed to fester. But, carrying a grudge for any length of time damages us, not the person we hold it against. They might not even know what they’ve done! Go to the person, explain the problem, and attempt to make amends.

 

We also feel a release as we forgive the offender even if they don’t apologize or realize that their actions were wrong and hurtful... even when no one else knows or understands what really happened. Releasing the hurt through prayer allows God to take care of the situation. Our forgiveness of the offender’s injustice sets us free to love more fully… just as God loves us, because we sure aren’t perfect.

 

I appreciate what Desmond Tutu wrote about forgiveness. He understands that “Forgiveness does not relieve someone of responsibility for what they have done. Forgiveness does not erase accountability. It is not about turning a blind eye or even turning the other cheek. It is not about letting someone off the hook or saying it is okay to do something monstrous. Forgiveness is simply about understanding that every one of us is both inherently good and inherently flawed. Within every hopeless situation and every seemingly hopeless person lies the possibility of transformation.”*

 

Tutu further explained that “Forgiving and being reconciled to our enemies or our loved ones is not about pretending that things are other than they are. It is not about patting one another on the back and turning a blind eye to the wrong. True reconciliation exposes the awfulness, the abuse, the hurt, the truth. It could even sometimes make things worse. It is a risky undertaking; but, in the end it is worthwhile, because in the end only an honest confrontation with reality can bring real healing.”**

 

As the old saying goes, hope springs eternal, and there is always hope that, in time, restoration will happen between you and another. For there is a much better path found in forgiveness… that of peace and joy. It happens when we each admit our errors, our faults, our sins… and apologize and seek forgiveness from the one we’ve offended, and from our Lord, as we live out the change in our heart. In this is found true peace… a joy-filled contentment that no one can take away.

 

Yet, it is not always appropriate to return to a harmful relationship. That is between you and God, and no one else has any right to force or expect a reconciliation… because forgiveness does not always mean restoration of a prior relationship that you know was abusive. Elizabeth Esther, author of “Girl at the End of the World”, herself a survivor of spiritual abuse, sums it up well: “Forgiveness means I carry no more resentment. It doesn’t mean I tolerate more abuse… There is a difference, after all, between an apology and repentance. An apology is an acknowledgment of wrong. Repentance is marked by a dramatic change in direction, a noticeable change in behavior.”

 

We need to set appropriate boundaries of respect. Forgiving someone does not mean they are given an open door to resume their old ways by condoning or enabling wrongful behaviors, especially if they continue to lie, refuse to acknowledge they did anything wrong, or that you were hurt. When you have repeatedly forgiven, tried repeatedly to reconcile and discuss the situation, and no conciliatory effort is made to understand how they offended you, nor a willingness to repent of wrongful behavior, apologize and truly make amends… it is time to walk away. Trust and respect are earned. We can try to cover up guilt with a façade of innocence, hiding our wrongs from others, but God sees… He knows the truth.

 

The disciple Peter asked our Lord how many times he should forgive his brother who had sinned against him. Jesus replied that he should forgive “seventy times seven” - in other words, endlessly. (Matthew 18:22) As C. S. Lewis wrote, “To be a Christian means to forgive the inexcusable because God has forgiven the inexcusable in you.” So true! However, in Ephesians 5:11, the Apostle Paul admonishes us to "have nothing to do with fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them.”

 

The Apostle Luke wrote that “if your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him.” (Luke 17:3) Forgiveness does not mean that abuse should be excused, tolerated or silenced when true repentance is not evident. Forgiveness is a process when there has been consistent abuse in any form. And yes, it is appropriate to alert and warn others, even in churches. We should not shame the victim willing to come forward.

 

An apology indicates an admission of a wrong to be corrected, with true repentance evidenced in genuine changed attitude and behavior. If the abuser is truly sorry for their actions, they will gladly give you time and space to process and observe them in action, allowing you to make the decision of whether to return to a former relationship or not. Otherwise, it is inappropriate to be forced by others into reconciling when they do not understand the extent of harm that was done, nor should the abuses be swept under the rug with a warning to never discuss them. The person who will not acknowledge their wrongs needs our Lord’s light just like the rest of us.

 

The Apostle Paul reminds us that we are to “…clothe ourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love [and] let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts. And be thankful.” (Colossians 3:12-14)

Forgiveness… it may be the last thing we want to do for someone who hurt us deeply… but, when we forgive, it leaves us feeling washed clean and ready for a new start. And our heart is filled with a renewed sense of love to eagerly share with others. What a great resolution to start a new year with!

 

Wishing you a very Happy and Blessed New Year!

 

 

Forgiveness

by Linda A. Roorda

Hurts of the heart that abound in life

The pain inflicted, the soul that’s wounded

The careless words and endless strife

Erode our spirit and remove our joy.

~

Raging battlefield within our mind

Waging havoc amid destruction

Erecting walls with blinded eyes

That limit our world and destroy us inside.

~

Offender at times, tossing out darts

Offended the next with indignation

We each share blame for wrongs committed

As we nurse our wounds or savor victory.

~

Then my soul pours out transgressions I’ve made

For You know my heart, my thoughts and my deeds

Nothing is hidden, repentant I am

As humbly I pray with face turned to You.

~

Your wisdom alone has pierced my heart

You’ve caused me to see the wrong of my ways

For within Your Word are Truths that shed light

As I walk this path that draws me to You.

~

To cleanse my soul, forgiveness I seek

To redeem the gift You’ve given for me

Your life on a cross that I might be free

The depth of Your love I cannot repay.

~

Then go and seek the one you’ve offended

Make right the path you both must walk

Follow the lead of our Lord above

Lay down your pride, release your burden.

~

Forgiveness like oil my soul You anoint

In comforting peace with mercy and grace

Your blessings of love now cover my heart

Redeemed am I, Your praises to sing.

~

For there is no peace like to that above

When forgiveness reigns in our tender hearts

Compassion to share as blessings abound

Bring heaven’s joy to shine brightly down.

~~

Linda writes from her home in Spencer

 

*Quote taken from * Desmond Tutu, “The Book of Forgiving: The Fourfold Path for Healing Ourselves and Our World”