As a mental health counselor, I am witnessing an emotional ass-beating unlike anything I’ve ever witnessed before.  People are coming into my office defeated, exhausted and some, barely able to function.  Others are restless, uneasy, walking out of jobs and even marriages without a second thought.   Some are fleeing, making big moves, a futile attempt to escape themselves.  Some are consumed with rage, guilt and shame.  Prior to COVID, it wasn’t unusual to have parallels between my story and the stories I have the honor of holding space for, but I wasn’t in my client’s battles.  Now, I feel as though I am experiencing this ass-beating right along with them.

I have days when I can hardly function, finding myself grateful for an unexpected cancellation so I can curl up on my couch and take a nap.  A couple weeks ago, I told my husband I was ready to move.   It was a toss-up between New Hampshire or the Netherlands, I’ve never even been to the Netherlands.   The slightest inconvenience, my child being sick, feels like a monumental stressor.  There is the emotional weight of worry, what if they have COVID?  What if I get COVID?  And then there are the moving pieces, where can we go to get tested?  How long will it take?  How am I going to navigate remote schooling while trying to conduct virtual sessions?  It would be one thing if this happened every so often, but we are less than a month into school and we have had two weeks with way too many moving pieces. And then there is the guilt and shame that immediately follows as I can’t help but think, others have it so much worse and as a counselor, I should know best how to navigate this season we are in.  A week ago, I found myself in my primary care doctor’s office in tears, my chest hurt so bad I wasn’t sure if I was having a panic attack or a heart attack.  The diagnosis from my doctor was that I am human and have stress.

In a recent article in the Washington Post by Amy Cuddy and JillEllyn Riley, they coined the term, “Pandemic Flux Syndrome” to describe what people are experiencing nearly 18 months into this collective trauma.   The article resonated deeply with me and gave words to my experience and what I am bearing witness to with those I see.  The article goes on to explain reasons we are feeling this way, “for many people, our brains and bodies are simply fatigued, and recalibrating to the new circumstances is too much to bear.”  They refer to the concept of ‘surge capacity,’ which you can read about in an interview with psychologist Ann Masten and science journalist Tara Haelle.  In the healthcare field, surge capacity refers to the ability to manage and care for a significant increase in volume of patients.  Outside the healthcare field, it refers essentially to our capacity to draw upon our internal resources to manage a crisis.  A crisis or trauma spanning the course of a year and a half, takes a toll.

Brene Brown recently did an interview with Amy Cuddy discussing this concept further.  Many of us were hopeful over the summer, we felt the end was in sight, we could see the light at the end of the tunnel.  And then, it was as though someone flipped the switch on us.  Some of us are hyper focused on whom they perceive has turned off that light.  Lines are being drawn and we are taking our beaten emotional minds and body into battle with others, sometimes with our own family and friends. I believe we have a hard time accepting what we cannot understand and for many, this seems impossible to comprehend so we cope by lashing out, by trying to find the why, the seemingly elusive solution.

So, what can we do?  How can we cope with this emotional ass-beating? I have a few thoughts I would like to offer.  First, we need a ‘what the flux friend’ or better yet, ‘what the flux friends.’   We need someone who can hold space for us to express how we feel, whether that is rage, anxiety, sadness, grief or shame.  Connecting with someone we can be open and honest with can help us heal our bruised minds, we need someone to encourage us to return to battle.  We also need to know we are not alone and hopefully in reading this and other articles, you realize you are most definitely, not alone.

We need to move and not out of state.  Most self-help articles around caring for our mental health during the pandemic mention the importance of exercise as a form of movement, along with eating healthy, staying hydrated and getting enough sleep.  Moving our bodies can serve multiple purposes though.  When I can, I go for walks with my clients.  The cooler fall weather is perfect for being outside and the changing color of the leaves offers a beautiful backdrop.  One of my clients recently said, ‘I like walking when we are talking about hard things.’  Movement, whether that is walking, running, hiking or dancing, can help us not only to feel physically better, but can also serve as an outlet to our emotional experiences.   There is a saying, ‘emotions need motion.’  If we don’t tend to the thoughts and feelings arising within us, they will not dissipate on their own.  To prevent an external or internal eruption of these emotions, it is best if we can acknowledge and tend to them with compassion and intention.  The other day, my 8 y/o daughter lathered soap on her hands and arms, she told me the soap represented her ‘worry thoughts.’   My daughter then turned on the water and scrubbed her hands and arms vigorously, effectively ‘washing away’ those painful thoughts.  We all need to find a way to release and wash away what comes up for us throughout our day.

Create, get outside, meditate, spend less time doing and more time being.  I believe whole-heartedly in this quote by Rumi: “We carry inside us the wonders we seek outside us.”  I truly believe what we need is within, we must quiet the noise to be able to access that wisdom and right now, there is a lot of noise.  We need to create quiet pockets of time, even if that is just a couple minutes a day where we can take a couple breaths, tune into how we are feeling in our bodies, minds and hearts and just let that be.  Notice what is coming up from a space of compassion and tend to those emotions arising, maybe you are feeling overwhelming anxiety and you need a couple breaths to create more internal space.  Maybe you need a good cry or maybe you haven’t had anything to eat or drink.  Maybe you need to step outside and feel the fresh air on your skin, maybe you need to turn off the News for a while.  I know it can be hard in a society where we are constantly on the go, but now perhaps more than ever we need to pause, breathe and just be.

Be Kind.  It’s truly that simple.  Yesterday, I was waiting in a long line at a store, a trip that was supposed to be a quick ‘in and out.’  I had ice cream in the car and it was an unusually warmer Fall day.  I could feel the heat rising in my face and tension throughout my body, why is there only one person working?  What is taking so long?   I was so consumed by my own gunk that I didn’t notice the man in front of me.

“You have the most beautiful mask,” he said sincerely.

I snapped out of my anger trance.  Such a simple statement and suddenly, the anger and irritation I felt melted away, kind of like the ice cream most likely was in my car.  With kind words, we can bring people into the moment, we can extend our light and illuminate their light through a compliment or just a simple gesture that communicates, ‘I see you.’  If we could all be more intentional about extending random acts of kindness, I think we would all feel a little less fluxed.

I want to end by pausing and creating a space to acknowledge and honor the lives we have lost, those left behind and those living with long-term effects of COVID-19.  We are all living in the midst of this collective trauma and I believe we are all connected by a collective experience of grief as well. Even if we haven’t lost someone we love, we likely know someone who has.  And while some of what I have written is in jest, I know there are those experiencing waves of anxiety and depression and others who feel like they are drowning.  If you feel this way, there is help and support:

SAMHSA’s National Helpline: 1-800-662-HELP (4357)

National Domestic Violence Hotline

Psychology Today, Find a Therapist

For residents of NYS:  NY Project Hope

If you are in crisis, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255

Renae Carapella-Johnson is a licensed mental health counselor and owner of Ray Of Light Counseling & Consulting in Savona NY.