“You have breast cancer.”  Among the scariest words we can hear.  I was in shock.  My mind was racing.  Tears began to trickle down my cheeks.  I was both numb and yet devastated emotionally.  It caught me totally off guard.  Me?  Cancer?  I could not think clearly.  My heart was pounding.  I was in panic mode.  This cannot be happening!  I have so much to do to take care of my husband.  I don’t have time for this interruption in my life!

October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month. Diagnosed in 2014, I remain cancer free.  Because a grieving process is normal when diagnosed, I share my story in the hope it helps someone else.  My story was also shared in the past on the Christian Reformed Church Network website, and my cousin’s wife Carol submitted it to the Bradford Co., PA “Daily Review” who plan to publish it this month – all to remind others how important exams for cancer are for both women and men, because…

I had actually intended to cancel my mammogram.  There was too much on my plate and I simply didn’t want to take the time to go for this exam in my already hectic schedule.  But, my husband (God bless him!) told me to take care of myself for once, and go get that mammogram.  Dutifully, and now thankfully, I listened to him.

I could not even have my husband with me when I was given the results of my biopsy - he was home with his own health issues, particularly severe constant dizziness when upright, along with extensive muscle and joint pain, recovering from life-threatening pancreatitis, and has not been able to work for several months.  Being blind, he cannot drive me to and from my appointments.  He can’t be with me to give emotional support at my appointments, or even be with me at my surgeries.  He can’t be there to help ask questions, or simply put his strong arm of support around me… until I get home and share my fears with him.  And he’s been so good to me, so loving and supportive, sharing his Godly wisdom to help calm and soothe my anxious thoughts.  God blessed me with the best husband I could possibly have!

But, I’m afraid.  I don’t know what lies ahead.  Will I get more cancer?  How will I take care of my husband and everything else if I’m incapacitated?  I don’t want to deal with all that I’m being forced to deal with.  I want to be left alone.  I want to be a little girl again without any cares or troubles.  But that’s not reality.  Reality means I will seek answers. 

And so, as a medical/radiology transcriptionist, I research my diagnosis.  I read the literature from my surgeon’s office, and devour the words which reputable online medical centers or cancer associations have posted to discuss the disease and the best treatment options available.  Objectively, I understand what they’re talking about… I know what the words mean.  But, deep down inside, I don’t want to digest it.  I want to push it all away.  It’s become too personal.

Yet, I have decisions to make.  Decisions I never thought I’d be making.  I’m more comfortable being on the typing end of the diagnostic language, feeling sorry for “my” patients.  Knowing that others have gone through this diagnosis and treatment before, and survived, is both helpful and unhelpful… mostly because each diagnosis and the dealing and healing is personal.  No one else can go through, or feel, exactly what you do.

I talk with my husband’s aunt who faced her own cancer diagnosis several years ago.  She made her decisions, and did what needed to be done.  I like her attitude.  She is a true woman of faith, an inspiration to me as she looks to our Lord for his guidance every step of the way.

And gradually, after making panicked decisions, then rethinking and picking each option apart, I come to a decision I can live with.  A decision my family and closest friends support me in.  And I’m okay… being reassured to know my cancer has been caught at an early stage.  For there are others I’ve known with a cancer diagnosis and prognosis worse than mine – those who have recovered after surgery and treatments and done well, those who have been through extensive treatments only to relapse, and those who have lost their lives from such a devastating disease…  And my heart goes out to every cancer patient and their families for all they have gone through.

This poem was written in three sections at three different times since my diagnosis.  I was amazed at how the words seemed to flow with only minor adjustments.  But then, I shouldn’t be amazed at a God who has held my whole life in His hands.  And I praise the One who blesses me with the words and thoughts to write.

And, while contemplating it all, this favorite verse of my late daughter, Jennifer, came to mind.  “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.”  (Philippians 4:13)  I had embroidered it into a floral design to hang on the wall when she went to Houghton College, also making embroideries for my other two children, Emily and Dan, with their favorite verses. 

I also found reassurance in “…know[ing] that in all things God works for the good of those who love him...”  (Romans 8:28)  While reading around this verse, I see, “…hope that is seen is no hope at all.  Who hopes for what he already has?  But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.  In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness.  We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us…in accordance with God’s will.”  (Romans 8:24-27)

Even as I face my diagnosis head on, not knowing what to do or if I’m making the right decisions, God is there.  He answers my heart’s prayers, which I initially didn’t even know how to express other than “Help me, God!”  Then, as I read Romans 15:13, these comforting words enter my soul with more meaning than ever before, “May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.” 

Along this journey, I even found laughter… in, of all places, the book “Chicken Soup for the Soul, The Cancer Book, 101 Stories of Courage, Support and Love.” [pp.156-158] It was the kind of hearty laughter that brought tears to my eyes… a rolling-on-the-floor kind of laughter!  It may have been stifled for a while, but laughter is still within me.  And soon, smiles will once again reflect the joy down deep in my heart!

So, I’m at peace.  I find comfort in knowing God knew this obstacle on my journey before I even came to be.  He knew I would struggle, but He also knew how He would continue to draw me to His side, and provide loving, caring family and friends to support me.  And to know the extent of caring thoughts and prayers from family, friends and neighbors in my community is overwhelming.  As I’ve grappled with life’s changes, I know the Lord has had to carry me at times, but He has also led me through the maze as I’ve slowly learned to accept and deal with what He has allowed to come my way.  And I renew my hope in Him as He leads me forward.

HOPE

Linda A. Roorda

When dark is the way and fear gathers ‘round

When the road seems long with twists and turns

The unexpected now comes into view

Quite unprepared, my course it alters.

 

The vista ahead fraught with fear and stress.

How can this be? Can’t happen to me!

How do I deal with changes to come?

My plate is too full.  I can’t handle more!

 

Why, Lord? I ask. I don’t understand!

As I plunge into the depths of despair.

I’m at a loss.  Why this obstacle?

Why me?  But then… Why should it not be?

 

Some days I’m numb.  Some days I just cry.

With a loss of hope, and a heavy heart

Many life changes I don’t want to face

A grief ensues, a mourning what was.

 

As sadness descends and stress consumes

I want to cry.  I want to scream out.

I haven’t the time.  I just cannot deal.

Difficult questions now haunt all my thoughts.

 

When darkness of night seems far too long

And no answers come to pleading prayers

Hold me tight Lord, in Your arms of peace

That without fear a new day I may face.

 

So I withdraw to an inner retreat

My haven safe away from the pain

A place where I rest to gather my fears

Handing them over, releasing my frets.

 

For there on the side just waiting for me

With arms open wide He hears my deep sighs

The cries of my heart, the fears locked inside

Taking my burdens and guiding my steps.

 

Who but you, Lord?  Who else but you?

Who cares enough to count every tear?

Who feels the pain, the fear and anguish

That steals the joy from within my heart?

 

Hope like a beacon peeks brightly through tears

With a peace that calms my troubled seas

Always at my side with a whisper soft

Drawing me near and holding me close.

 

Though I’ve felt lost while clinging to faith

You’re always here embracing with love

Returning my joy to face each new dawn

Giving me hope in the peace of Your Light.

~~

May/June 2014