Christmas season is a time of unending parties, celebrations and social gatherings.

It’s a perfect time for me to try and do something I’ve wanted to do for most of my adult life.

Become a socialite.

It goes back to 2004, when I watched a no-talent, marginal-IQ Paris “Hotel” Hilton become mad wealthy and insanely famous by just standing around and looking good, toting a tiny yapping dog and over-using the phrase “that’s hot” to describe anything that’s cool (she actually copyrighted the phrase. True).

Then came the Kardashians, an entire family that became wealthy and famous by being spoiled, whining and doing nothing more productive than changing their nail colors and revealing their boobs.

They all became famous by being famous.

“I could do that,” I told myself. “I’m retired and adept at doing nothing. I don’t have the good looks or big boobs, but I can make up for that with my skills at partying and standing around. My dog, Sammi, is too big to carry, but maybe I could ride her around. My cool catch phrase would simply be “That’s chilly most!”

Now that I’m retired and holiday parties are booming, I’m going to give it try. H ang with the fashion elite, wear outrageous eye-catching ensembles, get invited to all the must-attend gigs, clubs, soirees, openings and closings. If successful, I can get paid for it.

There is a major downside. I’ll have to make a scandalous sex tape, leak it to the media and then defend myself on the talk show circuit. Hope my wife is cool with that.

What is a socialite, anyway? According to Google, it’s “a person, usually from a wealthy and aristocratic background, who plays a prominent role and is very frequently involved in high society and spends a significant amount of time attending various fashionable social gatherings, instead of having traditional employment.”

I’m not sure of how much fashionable society exists in Elmira. If it does, I doubt it is as sophisticated and expensive at it is on a national level. Think about it. High society in Elmira means meth, bongs and rolling papers.

That’s why E-Town is such a great place to start climbing the social ladder. There’s little competition, the rungs are easy to hold, and you don’t need a private jet. I call it becoming a “Social Lite,” because it’s less filling and has fewer caloric requirements than other socialites.

You can become one too. It’s not that difficult. That’s why I offer the following list of one dozen online tips on becoming a Social Lite. With each suggestion, I’ve dumbed it down, to include tips on becoming a Social Lite in Elmira:

1. Online: Wear expensive fashions, jewelry and shoes.

    Elmira: Don’t wear pajamas in public, sport homemade tattoos and plastic Dollar Store clogs. (Bonus tip: make sure your fly is zipped).

2. Online: Build a social media platform on Facebook, Twitter, Spotify, Instagram, etc.

    Elmira: Build a social media platform with hand-written flyers stapled to utility poles and community bulletin boards at the bus stations.

3. Online: Dye your hair blonde, lose weight and cap your teeth.

    Elmira: Wash your hair xxx and remember to put your dentures in when you ge t up in the morning.

4. Online: Wear fashions by Dior, Balmain, Celine, Hilfiger and other famous designers.

    Elmira: Wear camo clothes designed by Carhartt, Duluth Trading and John Deer.

5. Online: Be class conscious.

    Elmira: Just be conscious.

6. Online: Become involved in community fund-raisers.

    Elmira: Become involved in random drive-by shootings.

7. Online: Be seen in public with an expensive and annoying purebred lap dog.

   Elmira: Be seen in public with a ferret or boa constrictor. (Bonus tip: Do not go out in public if you have pending arrest warrants).

8. Online: Be sure the paparazzi follow you wherever you go.

    Elmira: Be sure to avoid bail bondsmen following you wherever you go.

9. Online: Sit in front-row seats at all public events.

    Elmira: Bring a lawn chair and sit wherever you can until security throws you out because you don’t have a ticket.

10. Online: Get invited to A-list parties.

     Elmira: Dress like the caterer to sneak into A-list parties.

11. Online: Gain social media clout and be and influencer.

     Elmira: Get busted for driving under the influence

As you can see, becoming a local social lite is easy. But I still need your help in making my high society dream come true by inviting me to your holiday parties and swarming me in public for photos and autographs.

It would be really nice if you paid me to attend your events.

That would be chilly most.

Jim Pfiffer’s humor column is posted every Sunday on the Jim Pfiffer Facebook page, Hidden Landmarks TV Facebook page and TwinTiersLiving.com. Jim lives in Elmira with his wife, Shelley, and many pets and is a retired humor columnist with the Elmira Star-Gazette newspaper.