We’ve had snowfall nearly every night --- another half to three-inches on top of our since- Christmas snow.  This morning there was NO new snow.   There is a slight change in the air, and some of the birds are singing spring-ish songs.  I’ve heard from one or two observers that a few robins have emerged from the swamps and are out there conning people into thinking spring has come.  I expect they won’t stay around long; finding worms beneath our banks of snow will be impossible.  But yesterday’s 40 degrees was a teaser and gave us little signs here and there that winter is waning.

The turkeys are beginning to think “spring”.  The unfurled tails and pompous behavior of the toms probably amuses the hens as much as it does we humans who observe.  I imagine the hens, if they bother to reply at all, are saying, “ARE you nuts???  We’re standing in three feet of snow! I’m always amazed at how quietly, how unobtrusively these large birds can vanish.  They are all over the lawn ---- and then they aren’t.  Especially if the snow is coming down, they just quietly disappear into the swirling flakes.  Of course, it they are startled, they can exit with great pandemonium; squawks and flapping wings everywhere.  The deer that come down from the hill are also good at rapid departures but as they skim across the snow, their tail flips up and turns into a very visible white flag.

Yesterday I saw one of last year’s fawns (he obviously thought he was a big guy!) chasing the turkeys --- and then a cat came along and chased the deer --- and soon the same deer came back accompanied by three older turkeys and they shared the sunflower seeds on the ground.  I think they were all just bored.  Late winter stirs restlessness in all creation, from those posturing turkeys to humans.  It’s too early to garden unless one has a green house.   With all the snow, we can’t even get out and check the garden spaces against the garden plans we so optimistically sketched last fall.   There is too much snow to get out for walks.  And socially, so much is closed due to COVID that there are few places to visit.  So --- February and March are good times to begin some projects that get pushed aside for the more immediate.

One of my bête noirs (as I’ve mentioned before) is my filing system --- or lack thereof.  I have boxes and piles of unfiled papers and some actual files that I no longer really need.  The ideas for each grade level from my substitute teaching days is really unnecessary now; I have no plans for being in the classroom any time soon.  And those adorable little clothes for tots; I’m not sewing much nor do I currently have tots around.  Somehow they all grew up!   I probably don’t need the travel folders either.  When we travel it is almost always to visit family or to vacation in a place we’ve enjoyed before, like mid-coast Maine.  I’d considered a very large dumpster, but……… instead the project of working on this reducing-paper project makes the dining table unusable for dining just now; if you come for dinner, you’ll be balancing a plate on your knees.  Recycling bags will be heavy.

February and March ---- in any year------but perhaps more this year due to circumstances---- is a time when those who may be subject to depression (see note at end of essay) could have a bad time.  And this year, even those who haven’t had problems previously, may find themselves in an unusual state of gloom.   If one is unaccustomed to feeling this way, the  restlessness, angst, sadness, grumpiness, panic or lethargy may leave them clueless.   These feelings can be as short as one bad day or can last for weeks at a time.  And the feelings, if lingering too long or intensifying, may require medical intervention.

Having had plenty of experience both in enduring and in fending off depression, I’ve developed several remedies to try before considering medications.  Therapy can be wonderful --- even just talking things out with a trusted friend or mentor.   A professional is necessary if the depression is severe or is the result of deeply-buried past trauma, but sometimes a friend who is a good listener can help us sort things out..

When I feel despair hovering like fog, I first do things that for me, make a day happy: escaping into a book, listening to or making music, sorting memorabilia, cleaning out a few drawers, walking, etc..  And I remember the good things in my life.   Gratitude changes perspective ---- recalling all those happy things we do have and experience daily lifts spirits.  Your route to happiness may be different than mine, but think about what you like to do.  And with all illness, if healing doesn’t happen, go the medical route.  However, it might be necessary to try more than one therapist.  Not every trained psychologist is right for every person.  I believe I saw three different ones before I found one that really clicked.  It helps to think ahead; to have one’s “tool kit” ready for emergencies.

Last week, while cleaning out a box, I came across materials from my working days at the Office for the Aging.  The writing clearly indicated that I was weighed down by the discouraging world around me.  And yet, I noted small joys even in the midst of that frustration.  When we (as a staff) were fearful and frustrated regarding funding for home-delivered meals, the kitchen staff took time to draw faces on the bananas that went out to home-bound clients.  The photograph of those bananas made me laugh.  After an annoying conversation with a county legislator, I would find a freshly-made cup of tea on my desk with a little note.  Another photograph reminded me about walking, at lunch time, to the marvelous falls at the end of the street, where the roar of water and healthy negative ions lightened my day.  These bits of brightness reminded me that: “Contentment is an inner state of fitness.  It does not rely on circumstances but is the result of a sacred space within, that is given life and substance by the Creating Spirit of all things.”  Not always, but quite often, we can choose contentment instead of angst.

Probably the most important thing is to realize that the need for mental health assistance is just as normal and fitting as the need for cardiac help or physical therapy.  The body is all connected; perhaps you remember the old song ---- “The hip bone’s connected to the thigh bone, the thigh bone’s connected to the knee bone………..etc.”  Functional medicine has proven that the brain talks to the stomach; that the various parts of our bodies, from blood cells to nerves, are constantly communicating.  We just may need to clear up some of our thinking.  Our subconscious believes whatever we tell it --- whether or not it is reality!   And that is where talking it out with good listener helps.

Lent is a time when I try to pay more attention to spiritual growth.  This year my chosen way is spending an hour twice/week in meditation and listening.  That sounds easily achievable doesn’t it?   Not so!!  First of all this is a lengthier time span and requires more concentration than my usual 15-minute meditations.  Those are rather like a tonic for the day, where these longer sittings that I’m attempting are more like a serious infusion.  I am still in awe of one niece who did a 6-week silent retreat!

It took me several days of trying to figure out when I could actually do this during the day.  Right after getting up is when I usually have a reading and quiet time, but I’m not awake enough at that point to sit very long; I’d fall asleep.  But I’ve been working at it, for in addition to being a spiritual exercise; it is also proven to lower blood pressure and calm the mind’s tendency to be “running around like a chicken with its head cut off” as my father might say.  (Those of you who’ve raised chickens know from whence this saying comes.)  And while those short times of quiet begin the day well, I think this longer, less-structured time is the next step, combining self-care and vision.

Wisdom and serenity come to us from accepting that we each can only do what we can do.  To throw up our hands in despair because we find it impossible to meet every need out there; be the perfect parent, partner, employee, etc. is to destroy our inner fitness and probably make us less able to do anything at all.  Helen Keller* said: “I am only one, but still I am one.  I cannot do everything but still I can do something.  I will not refuse to do the something I can do.”

Since this wintery world hemming me in is not something I can change, to ease my annoyance at all the snow, I have tried to focus on some of the beauty around me.  The red osier dogwood shrubs (transplanted from the swamp at home) are beginning to glow.  I’m sure it is simple biology that as the sap rises in the stems, the color is enhanced, but in February it looks miraculous to me.  Those garnet-red stems really stand out against the snow.  And the icicles have been quite amazing.  I plucked one off the eaves yesterday that was a yard long; solid, clear and quite sculptural.  There are whole rows of similar ones fringing the house roof.  And the tracing of twigs and branches against the snow is really fine art.  These verses by Christina Rossetti** speak of both the angst and the beauty; just right for late February:  “I wonder if the sap is stirring yet, If wintry birds are dreaming of a mate, If frozen snow drops feel as yet the sun, and crocus fires are kindling one by one: Sing, robin sing.  I still am sore in doubt concerning Spring.”

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Carol may be reached at: carol42wilde@htva.net.

*Helen Keller –American author, lecturer and disability advocate.  Helen Keller was blind and deaf. 1880-1968

**Christina Rossetti –English poet.  1830-1894

Note:  Some who have read my essays for a long time may wonder why I speak so frequently of mental health.  It is because mental health issues are overwhelming our culture.  So many teens are depressed to the point of taking their own lives.  So many adults battle with or simply give in to the black clouds that shut them into a world where the sun never shines and hope is fleeting if seen at all.  My own experiences with depression have not been deep enough for hospitalization, but they have made life very difficult at times ---- not only for me but also for those around me.  I think the more we can talk about this, share experiences, share useful weapons, the more society will recognize that this is only another bodily ill to be addressed.  Those who recognize the problem and get help are far healthier and more reliable than those who avoid even discussing it or try to come up with some simplistic answers.