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How To Make Good Covid Choices: Eenie, Meenie, Miney, Moe

JIm Pfiffer

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As we stumble into a third year of COVID we are more confused, uncertain, worn out and frustrated than ever. We think we’re beating the virus, then we’re not, then we are and then a new one comes along and we’re back to square one, we don’t pass Go and we don’t collect $200. We’re living our own “Groundhog Day” movie.

As for helpful COVID information and advice, we might as well use a Ouija Board or Magic 8 Ball, instead of listening to the alleged experts.

Who do we believe? Should I take advice from the CDC, FDA, AMA, WHO, WHAT, WHERE or WHEN?Why do the recommendations keep changing and contradicting each other? I expect the CDC to soon release this message: “Do the opposite of whatever we told youthe last week, but it really doesn’tmatter, because no one pays attention, anyway.”

COVID has turned our lives into an eternity of questions.

Do the kids go to school or doremote learning, and what if we can’t find the remote because it fell down between the couch cushions? If I send my kids to school, will I have to drive the school bus?

If I have to isolate at home cooped up with the kids, like last year, I’ll go insane and need rabies shots tocalm me down.  

Do I need to test every time I get a cough or get a headache? Are the tests accurate, and if so, which ones are the best? Where do I get them? What about a “false positive?” or a “little white lie negative?” 

Which vaccine is the best: Moderna, Pfizer or J&J? How about a PB&J? Right arm of left arm? (At least I don’t have to drop my pants). How many shots do I need? Can I mix them? Damn, my arm is sore. Can I still get the virus if I get my shots, and do I need to wear a mask? I heard that the vaccines containmicrochips, potato chips and poker chips. Is that true?

Are we going to be dealing with a new variant every few months, how the hell do you pronounce “Omicron” and who named it? It sounds like a company that makes robots. Its slogan: “We’re Omicron. Spreading around the globe and never going away.”

Mask advice is the worst. Cloth, paper or plastic? Homemade, store-bought or picked up off the street? How many layers? What about those plastic face shields that make you look you’re going to weld something? 

Should the mask cover my mouth and nose? I read on Facebook that the virus can enter your body through your ears, eyes and evenyour butt. (Do I have to wear a mask there, too?)

We don’t have to wear masks in private unless we’re with several people or doing a home invasion. Can I use the virus as an excuse to stay physically distanced from people because I hate their guts?

What about restaurants and bars?  Why do we have to wear a mask when we go in, but not when we sit down? Maybe the virus can’t infect seated people. (Probably because it can’t enter through their butts).

Is it OK to sneeze into my mask or should I sneeze into my elbow or the elbow of the person nearest me? 

I found this observation online: “Masks are like bras: they’re uncomfortable, you only wear them in public and nobody notices until you take them off.”

Do I have to stand 6 feet away, or 3 feet away and I don’t want to stand on some stupid footprint stickers on the floor.

Have you heard of the “15-minute rule, where you should not talk with anyone face-to-face for more than 15 minutes? Does that mean you can end the conversation in 14 minutes, leave, return and continue the conversation for another 14 minutes? 

How often should I wash my hands? Do I use soap or hand sanitizer and why do they put those useless hand blow dryers in public bathrooms that turn off before your hands are dry, so you have to wipe them on your pants?

What about wearing latex gloves, L.L. Bean winter gloves or boxing gloves? If I wear boxing gloves? If can I punch the guy in the airline seat next to me who isn’t wearing a mask and keeps breathing his stinking alcohol and cigarette soiled breath on me?

Can I get COVID from touching stair railings, doorknobs or myself? Is it OK to touch elbows, do fist bumps and mimed handshakes? Will I ever be able to hug people again? Should I wear one of those plastic Queen Ann-style dog collars so I can’t keep touching my face? 

What about kerchiefs, plastic face shields, coffee filters, panty liners, holding your hand over your mouth or wearing a Darth Vader facemask and helmet?

I can deal with what we’re calling the “new normal,” but not when it keeps changing. That’s not normal. This uncertainty is the new normal, because we are not going to completely wipe out the virus, but must live with it indefinitely.

Of that, I’m certain.

Jim Pfiffer’s humor column is posted every Sunday on the Jim Pfiffer Facebook page, Hidden Landmarks TV Facebook page and TwinTiersLiving.com. Jim lives in Elmira with his wife, Shelley, and many pets and is a retired humor columnist with the Elmira Star-Gazette newspaper. 

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